We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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