there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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