Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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