I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
