She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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