go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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