you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS