I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official drugs can't kill me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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