dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
