chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you had me at cake vodka
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
