Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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