Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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