just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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