I am puke
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
