The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
