You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
