Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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