Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we should paint friendship bongs
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