Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
