I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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