i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
