I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
