i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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