So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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