i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
