I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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