Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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