Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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