I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
