i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
