He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Come on in and take your pants off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
