Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
