I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize