apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
