I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
