If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
