you would pick up someone in the library
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
