Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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