I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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