woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
