wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
