i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
