Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
