If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
