Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
