I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
