He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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