I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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