remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
