My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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