Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
