A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
