so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
