i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
two words: eviction party
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
