Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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