he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
